In her book Rising Strong, the behavioural scientist and writer Brené Brown tells a story of frustration with people who display obnoxious and inconsiderate behaviour. In sharing her judgment of the so-called “sewer rats”, she receives an answer that most people just do the best they can. This statement angers Brown and she deals with it in the best way she knows – by putting it through the research test.
Asking many people whether they believe that people mostly do the best they can, she finds that there is no right or wrong answer to this question. However, people who say a definite NO to the question (as she does!), are normally over-harsh on themselves and unbending in relationships. The YES-sayers – those who choose to give people the benefit of the doubt – are more resilient and better geared for happiness in life.
She quotes an incident in a bank where a woman goes off the deep end about a problem with her bank account, treating the bank teller with accusations and unfair racist remarks. When Brené asks the very patient teller whether he thought that “people do the best they can”, he calmly offers possible reasons for the woman’s outburst. She might have serious financial problems or difficult circumstances at home, he says.
Slightly shamed, the famous shame researcher has to admit that she was wrong. Giving others the benefit of the doubt means that you believe that people’s actions are influenced by their circumstances. People are not mean or incompetent on purpose; that they do what they can with the knowledge and experience available to them. But whether they do the best they can, is not the issue. The real issue is our attitudes in our daily dealings with people. If you see others through gloomy, hateful eyes, it has little effect on them. But it does influence your quality of life.
